1. Borrow money from a pessimist--they don't expect it back.

2. Never answer an anonymous letter.

3. Always go to other people's funerals or they won't go to yours.

4. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

5. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

7. Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitos.

8. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.

9. There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

10. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

11. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

12. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

13. As long as there are tests, there will be praying in public schools.

14. Laugh alone and the world thinks your an idiot.

15. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

16. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

17. I took an IQ test an the results were negative.

18. OK, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

19. Be nice to your children. They'll choose your nursing home.

20. DNA: National Dyslexic Association.

21. Dyslexics of the world, untie!

22. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

23. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

24. I just let my mind wander and it didn't come back.

25. Don't steal, the government hates competition.

26. National Atheist's Day: April 1st.

27. If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

28. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

29. I used to think I was indecisive but now I'm not too sure.

30. I can handle pain until it hurts.

31. If everything is coming your way then your in the wrong lane.

32. Gravity always gets me down.

33. They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.

34. The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.

35. It's bad luck to be superstitious.

36. The Big Bang Theory: God spoke and BANG! it happened.

37. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

38. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines.

39. Gravity: It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW.

40. Life is too complicated in the morning.

41. Ask me about my vow of silence.

42. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

43. If ignorance is bliss then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.

44. If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.

45. I intend to live forever. So far so good.

46. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

47. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

48. I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

49. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

50. Evolution: True science fiction.

51. What's another word for "thesaurus"?

52. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

53. The last thing on earth you want to do is the last thing you do.

Too true!

none of these are on the web... i added them to my collection

Too true to be true.

I discovered that there are a whole slew of these plus many more humorous points on Harry's webpage, harrymaugans.com

I did not know that at the time of this posting but if you want a good laugh, go check out the fun things you can do at Wal-Mart. However, I don't think that it is wise to do them for some of those ideas just might land you in jail but they are funny ideas nonetheless.

couldn't stop laughing as i read these

Great ones...
+1 or +2...

One of my friends has started making prayer mates with land mines in them. Profits are going through the roof.